MY RAW AF STORY OF AWAKENING & HOW I GOT TO WHERE I AM TODAY… 👁️
PART 1: I was in my partner’s bathtub
~Circa 2014
It was a Full Moon. There was not an ounce of “I’m tired” in my body. Other than the type of tired a soul feels when it desperately wants to climb out of its internal prison.
I felt the water on my skin. The bathtub was barely filled yet there I was, drowning. Drowning in emotion. I knew he was flirting with that girl. I knew he was drinking and getting high. I hit a breaking point. 4 years in this soul-sucking union.
It was good for a short time. I lost myself in the “love”. I didn’t even have strong roots before the smokey storm clouds rolled over me. I felt lost and alone.
I had found spirituality by this point…
In his bathtub, on that Full Moon night- I decided to pray. I didn’t just pray though… I pleaded. I declared. I felt my words in my own throat resonate through my whole being. I said,
“Spirit Guides, if you’re out there, please take this deep pain in my soul and lay it on the surface of my being. Make it shallow. So I’m not drowning in pain.”
I prayed these words. I got out of the bath and watched the entire night pass by. I followed the Moon’s glow around the sky until it was swallowed in Light.
It was painfully magical. Later I would realize that on that long night, I received a miracle.
I woke up with the sun blaring in the window. I opened my eyes and felt relief that the long was night was over. I soon realized, something had changed about me. Something on the inside. I was no longer feeling the same pain that was tearing my soul open the night before.
Before I knew it, I distanced myself effortlessly from my partner. It was easier than I thought to walk to away. The space between us grew and grew and before I knew it, I was crying tears of joy as I was holding the keys to my new apartment.
I could taste freedom. I could feel my Angels. I knew that they had done something to free my heart on that long Full Moon night.
I was free to start a new life. I was more free than I’d ever been. Surrounded with Spirit’s touch - my new life opened before my eyes.
PART 2 : My lifelong hunger was starting to be satiated by Spirit.
~Circa 2015-2016
I decided to believe in miracles. Not miracles created by humans. But I decided to believe in spiritual miracles. I leaned towards my God; the Divine Universe. I began leaning towards my new relationship with Great Spirit.
I started studying spiritual traditions. I spent my time immersing myself in ancient wisdom teachings. Like Buddhist philosophies, Yoga teachings… ANYTHING I could get my hands on that would alleviate my feelings of hopelessness.
The deeper I went, the more I was coming up for air. Freedom was pulling my hair - and I was ready.
I had no choice but to seek my Awakening. I had already explored my Hell realms. Now it was time to train to be the healer that I am today. It was time for me to crawl out of depression and walk slowly towards real healing.
I went as deep as I could go. I found Reiki and Energy Healing and I dove in! Truth was finding me for once! My lifelong hunger was starting to be satiated by Spirit. I could feel myself literally waking up from soul loss… spiritual amnesia. Like a sleeping spirit, taking its first breath after a long hibernation.
I hit a point in my suffering where I couldn’t go any further. So I turned the Light on and I was divinely guided to my healing. I knew I was born to help others and my training had already begun.
I was going to turn my suffering into the wisdom that fueled my childhood dreams of being a healer.
Little did I know, everything was already unfolding in accordance to that Higher mission; the one I was born with.
PART 3: Where I almost spiraled backwards…
~Circa 2016-2017
After having numbed out for so many years, I was beginning to strip off my masks and shields. The hardened walls around my sensitive heart came crashing… and that’s when it got really really hard.
Shadow work. Unmasking my fears. Facing what I had been running from with smoke clouds and distorted relationships. There I was. Sitting in my apartment. Losing my shit.
I chose freedom, didn’t I? Well, I didn’t realize how much pain I’d been running from. I stopped running. I looked at it face-to-face. And it just about killed me. The depression. Anxiety. Fears of being overcome by dark entities. I spiraled.
One night in particular comes to mind. I was 22, living in my apartment with my ferret, Luna. And all of a sudden, a wounded, younger, more confused version of me came into my body.
It was like she was in hiding until that moment. It was time for her to be heard.
I started crying hysterically. I thought it would never stop. I could feel her. She was in high school. Confused and lost. She rose up from the ashes. She wanted to be felt. It almost broke me. In fact, I think it did. I hit the floor in my small kitchen. I sobbed her tears for hours.
I thought, “How many parts of me have I suppressed?” I wondered if it would ever stop. It did. And from that psychic clearing- from actually feeling versus running, I felt more free and healed than ever before.
The “process of integration” is not easy but it must be done. A soul cannot remain in pieces. It needs to come back together and call back those parts that were almost left behind.
PART 4: “Do you trust me”?
~Circa 2018 - present
As I was falling deeper and deeper into my “unmasking”, I nestled up against many moments that I thought would never end. Sometimes I honestly wondered who the fuck would choose, WILLINGLY CHOOSE, to set their Soul free if it meant facing every shadow in each corner of the psyche…
And then I thought, “What about my future children? What am I creating for THEM? What would be my legacy if I did not do this soul-retrieval work for myself”?
I saw my family in my mind’s eye, and deep down I knew that by healing myself, I was healing them indirectly. As I was deep in it, I remember hearing a quiet voice whisper in my ear; the voice of Spirit. It said, “Do you trust me?”
See, when we go through the intensity of soul-healing, we can temporarily lose sight of who we are, where we are, and that we are okay. I needed to believe that I was healing. I began telling empowering stories and making new meanings from my pain.
From pain to purpose. 🔥
Every time I went through another layer, Heaven on Earth opened before my eyes and I was magnetized to my higher calling. I had to believe that someone out in the world was not only benefiting from my healing but also was waiting for me to help guide them through theirs.
I saw their teary eyes. I saw myself as a wayshower. One who would never give up. It was like taking a deep, slow breath while standing in a raging storm.
Something inside of me said, and still says, “You’re on your Mission. There IS a higher purpose here. And what you’re doing… well, it’s working.”
I stopped looking outside of myself for purpose. I became my own best teaching. I would soon hold Soul’s hands, wipe their tears, and serve empaths like me- who are waking up too.
I decided nothing would stop me.
PART 5: Today, I experience real joy.
The type of joy that comes when: 1. We never give up and 2. We live in alignment with our truth. Today, I am well. And that is the miracle. My mind is well. My heart is well. My soul is well. My body is well.
Those low points brought me here. I needed to break down my old self and my old life. That was the great crumbling that created my world today. A world of integrity. I am sober. I have an incredible partnership with the man of my dreams. I have the honor of serving soulmate clients, leading life-changing programs, and doing what I love full-time.
I broke down. And I will again. Breaking down allows you to see with new eyes and hear with new ears. Breaking down is a sacred initiation that helps you see and feel and know your truth.
In order to see who we are, we have to see who we are not.
This is the art of Soul Transformation that I live for. I am different than I was. I am ruthlessly committed to my truth. I speak up. I say Yes. I own my No’s.
I am surrounded by the life of my dreams because I am ruthless. My fire is that of self-love. I have found my inner Queen. And it’s not just about me. I have work to do, magic to make, souls to awaken.
We can all be well, I believe it. I am here to help souls through their own breaking down phase. Where they are forced to seek their own Light and power and love from within.
It is there that we see who we are. And birth our empires on the planet. It is then where we can do our healing work and imprint the world with our gifts.
It is in the transformation that we truly come alive.